I dreamed of you. I don’t know why, it’s been so long- eight years. Then to actually to run into to you was like the Fates trying to tell me something, but I’ve grown deaf to their advice for sometime now. Seeing you brought back those memories, sometimes not so nice memories. I secretly loved you. It grew in the time that we knew each other, became great friends, and finally, roommates. After a while, I felt your love, back. But unfortunately, I was with Brian, your friend long before you knew I was alive. The three of us in one house…oh, if only reality television was big back then…
We had a connection, of that I was sure. A deep one that humans search an entire life for and usually never find. You know, it goes by many names: knight in shining armor, companion, lover, partner, soul-mate. You were some of those things. You were more.
You brought out the best and worst in me, sometimes both at the same time. But through it all, you accepted me for what and who I was- mistakes and all. And you never expected me to change, in fact, you didn’t want me to change anything. God, I loved you for that. That quality is so difficult to find. It’s amazing how people want you to change for them the minute they have you. Brian wanted me to change everything. Why did he want me, to begin with, anyway? Why couldn’t I’ve met you first?
If only I had met you first; if only we weren’t afraid of telling Brian how we felt about each other. Fear and guilt entered our minds and those demons were stronger than our love. If only we realized that not saying anything would divide us forever. You married a woman that you despise now. I stayed with Brian until I nearly destroyed myself. If only we realized where our fear would lead us to. Would we have changed anything?
Curiosity is a human’s thorn, deeply embedded and very difficult to pull out with out leaving a scar. Do you think of me sometimes, at all? Do you think of what might have been if we’d give in and damned them all to hell? On rare occasions I think of you, those times, and what might have been.
I now look at the man I eventually married, long after you, and I’m grateful. So damned grateful, because everything turned out just as it should be. I’m sorry yours didn’t. And as for Brian— who the hell cares!
We had a connection, of that I was sure. A deep one that humans search an entire life for and usually never find. You know, it goes by many names: knight in shining armor, companion, lover, partner, soul-mate. You were some of those things. You were more.
You brought out the best and worst in me, sometimes both at the same time. But through it all, you accepted me for what and who I was- mistakes and all. And you never expected me to change, in fact, you didn’t want me to change anything. God, I loved you for that. That quality is so difficult to find. It’s amazing how people want you to change for them the minute they have you. Brian wanted me to change everything. Why did he want me, to begin with, anyway? Why couldn’t I’ve met you first?
If only I had met you first; if only we weren’t afraid of telling Brian how we felt about each other. Fear and guilt entered our minds and those demons were stronger than our love. If only we realized that not saying anything would divide us forever. You married a woman that you despise now. I stayed with Brian until I nearly destroyed myself. If only we realized where our fear would lead us to. Would we have changed anything?
Curiosity is a human’s thorn, deeply embedded and very difficult to pull out with out leaving a scar. Do you think of me sometimes, at all? Do you think of what might have been if we’d give in and damned them all to hell? On rare occasions I think of you, those times, and what might have been.
I now look at the man I eventually married, long after you, and I’m grateful. So damned grateful, because everything turned out just as it should be. I’m sorry yours didn’t. And as for Brian— who the hell cares!
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